I saw this in the paper the other day:
Theologians Warm to Climate Change
'Earth Must Be Born Again to be Saved'
By Lumo Bundilli
April 4, 2007
BARMECIDE, Greece (API) - Religious scholars representing many of the world's major religions convened today in the coastal city of Barmecide to contemplate the mystic significance of a warming planet. Called the "2007 Heat Hath Risen!" ecumenical conference, it attracted over 1500 religionists from 46 nations and islands of the seas, making it the largest and most diverse religious assembly since the "1947 Evolving Face of God" conclave held in Nairobi, Kenya. While all subsequent ecumenical conferences fell short of the impact of the 1947 conclave, often referred to as the "Faceless Revolution", anticipation was high that the mingling of ideologies and the exchange of ideas at the 2007 conclave would generate theological offspring of a higher order. As expressed by Msgr. Haggid Sheath of the Byzantium archdiocese in the keynote address, "Through the transfer of ideas, we bring the synthesis of a new truth by which it is our eternal hope to unalterably reshape the planet on which we live to a one more to our liking."
I put the paper down and my thoughts drifted back to 1947. I shook my head. It would be a tough act to follow.
While the 1947 convention laid the foundation for the Simian Redemption Creed drafted in 1948 and presented novel ideas that were adopted in the language of the 1949 International Charter of Primate Freedom of Conscience (also known as the Chimp Choice Charter) and were responsible for the development of anthropologically inclusive nativity displays throughout the western world, it will best be remembered for the presentation of the nature of God as a variable heritage passed on through generations of competing clerical interests. The delegates released a joint statement, indeed, a creed, that stated, in part:
"We believe that,
"When heresy is introduced into deistic doctrinal structure, by necessity, doctrinal failure will result, culling out the weaker concepts while simultaneously retaining the fitter concepts, all of which leads to an improved image of God. It is in fact, ever-changing. This heresy was often the result of copying error during the division of sacred writings during besiegements, crusades, invasions, and inquisitions, but a significant number of heresies were the result of cognitive decay brought on by viral and bacterial plague and medieval herbal intoxication. More often, however, the heresy was introduced into the lexicon by immigrants carrying unfamiliar God-concepts.
"Fitness of a doctrine is demonstrated by its ability to survive these doctrinal onslaughts as well as naturally occurring events such as Tribunals, Mock Trials, Auto de fe, Flailings, Knee Screws, and Slow Public Burnings - helpful mechanisms instigated by the pious that select the doctrine best suited to the religious environment of the time. The emerging doctrine, having survived, is replicated throughout its niche, eventually expanding the document population into new environments, whereupon it encounters and is subjected to a new set of doctrines and naturally occurring forces - be it Flaying, Strappado, The Spanish Boot, Branks, The Heretic's Fork, or The Bilboes - thus repeating the selection process. Ultimately, a new radiant truth is born and we can behold the face of God!
"The lineage of God can be observed in relict God concepts, enabling the theologian to reconstruct the development of the God-face over time. Patterns of God can be arranged into hierarchically nested groups, often correlating with geographic provinces defined by mountain ranges, deserts, oceans, and tribal boundaries, often patrolled by bands of fearsome warriors ready to defend their ancestral lands. Isolation of divine concepts by these natural boundaries, and the reinforcement of this effect by Mystic Nationalism, eventually led to two distinct divergences in the identity of God that resulted in two new species of God. This indisputable truth of a triad of Gods has stood for nearly 1650 years. While originally unified, the distance and time between the God doctrines has become so great that any attempt at hybridization has resulted in inviable beliefs. It is no longer possible to co-mingle the concepts. It is a theological dead end.
"At this time, the correlation of this identity of God with nature is so complete that the present three-part image of God is considered unalterable, unassailable, indelible, a fact, a doctrine of the highest order, the supreme establishment of divine truth, yea, one yet three, unified yet divided, known yet unknown, seen but unidentifiable. No intelligent, rational person would contend with this and should seek immediate penance. Therefore, preservation of the existing three phases of the God-head is vital for the survival of the species.
"Accordingly, we urge all humanity to vigorously and passionately reject all relict and immigrant God concepts to retain the purity of the triad of Gods for all posterity. We must preserve the identity of God for our children. Yes, we must preserve the identity of our children for God. Help the Gods survive! Amen!"
I remember having to recite those words in church for the next six years.
This declaration was released to the media and was relayed around the globe and the impact was immediate. Rallied by the clerics, a great worldwide crusade was launched, hailed as the Thirteenth Crusade, or the Failure to Thrive Crusade. The rallying cry was "Praise the Lords!" The objective was to stamp out all doctrine that might be deleterious to the God-head. It was a smashing success. All aberrant theology was eliminated. Conceptual boundaries were policed, a large wall of documents was constructed that prevented the transfer of ideas, and doctrinal identification was required prior to publication. A concordat with the state was inked. The competition was crushed.
And now I am reading that they want to outdo the 1947 conference with one about a warming planet? How could they? This could not possibly have the same impact. I read on:
The conference in Greece was arranged with the stated intent to exceed the impact of the 1947 conference. This was outlined in the opening remarks, given by The Most Right Reverend Hoeller Spelunk, when he stated, "We are here to change history."
The conference lasted five days. Prominent scholars lectured during the morning and conducted open discussions with delegates during the afternoons. Media sessions were held during the evenings. Lecture topics included "The Myth of Scientific Proof", "The Subjective Relevance of a Burning Sensation", "Heat Accelerates the Cycle of Death and Rebirth", "Cremation and Your Carbon Footprint", "Oil Drilling Leads to Religious Conversion", "Fundraising During Power Outages", and "Sunspots and Your Prayer".
Considerable debate was held over the origins and causes of the increased global temperatures. Various theories were expounded, including the common assault on carbon emissions and other anthropogenic factors. But the audience was brought to silence as the renowned Jesuit, Jose Helios Poinsetta Agrandiza, a visionary theologian acclaimed for his theories on the thermal image of auras, came to the podium and delivered the address, "Realization of Peace through Suppression of Consciousness".
He elaborated: "History is long gone, what remains are stacks of book at libraries around the world, a few moldering statues in European cities, and spools of magnetic tape. So when we look at history, we are really looking at a present reality that may or may not represent that which occurred before, assuming that something has actually occurred before what is occurring now. What can really be learned if it is no longer real and its prior existence is in question?
"We are here and now.
"What we need is now.
"Hence, our objective is to pull the entire human race into the immediate moment and free ourselves of the burden of posturing about this or that which may or may not have occurred in times past and fretting about the future which may or may not occur at all. The only way to accomplish this is to disperse the immediate consciousness in the vacuum of space, dissolving it like a grain of salt in the ocean of being, dispelling immediate concerns, disassembling all conception of past or future, expelling the mind like a rogue, a vagrant indigent, slovenly and boorish, that occupies every spare space, at last, evicting hunger and at once, blurring the vision of the desperate condition at hand, rendering peace. It is for this that we have gathered."
Waving a bottle of wine he shouted, "God burn us if we are not here!" The audience roared.
Wait a second. I paused and thought again about the 1947 conference. I recalled a quote that issued from the highest scientific body within the theological community. It claimed that “the lineages leading to man, chimpanzee and gorilla seem to have diverged from their common ancestor . . . 5 to 7 million years ago. This is a sobering thought. Bravely, we venture into the darkness carrying the torch of faith held high by generations of stooped, howling men that have gone before us.” I remember the photograph accompanying the article. It showed a group of primates in east Asia, huddled before a statue of some war hero in a park. Some covered their ears, others their eyes, others their mouths. The caption read, "Anthropologists and clerics agree: This is a display of primitive worship of one of the God-heads."
And now, this. I read on.
As the choir, singing Nearer My God to Thee, raised their voices to a crescendo, Frelth Gaballic, Doctor of Divinity at Horsemoss University in Antwerp, rose to the podium. His face, garnished with sweat, appeared on the giant video screen behind him. The audience, clearly enjoying the festivities, swaying from side to side, joined their voices with the choir. He raised his hands upward and turned his eyes toward the sky. Tears ran down his face. His bottom lip quivered. Then he opened his mouth. "Forgive me Lord for I have not sinned." The giant video flickered.
The crowd sang louder. Some shouted, "More! We want more!"
Gaballic continued. "From this day forward, do not think anything else. It is irretrievable fact that passes along behind us. There is nothing to see to the front or to the back. Stop looking. Stop asking, Why doth the earth blaze?"
Some in the audience swooned.
"Don't listen to those reports. The reality, my friends, is that Hell is rising from the center of the earth. Yea! Verily! This is not our doing. It is divine wrath rising from below, like lava rising from the ocean floor, soon to engulf us in the Inferno."
More swooning.
"Let go. Let it go, people. Find your peace. Yes! The communion line is now open!"
Immediately, thousands of the faithful broke toward the stage, trampling Professor Gaballic underfoot, and, according to police reports, looting several thousand cases of wine behind the stage before burning the auditorium down. They spilled into the streets. Soon, the rioting spread to other cities, mobs of the faithful storming liquor stores across the world. And across the globe, in dozens of languages, could be heard the rallying cry, "Quell the Hell! Drinks for humanity!"
This could be big.
Theologians Warm to Climate Change
'Earth Must Be Born Again to be Saved'
By Lumo Bundilli
April 4, 2007
BARMECIDE, Greece (API) - Religious scholars representing many of the world's major religions convened today in the coastal city of Barmecide to contemplate the mystic significance of a warming planet. Called the "2007 Heat Hath Risen!" ecumenical conference, it attracted over 1500 religionists from 46 nations and islands of the seas, making it the largest and most diverse religious assembly since the "1947 Evolving Face of God" conclave held in Nairobi, Kenya. While all subsequent ecumenical conferences fell short of the impact of the 1947 conclave, often referred to as the "Faceless Revolution", anticipation was high that the mingling of ideologies and the exchange of ideas at the 2007 conclave would generate theological offspring of a higher order. As expressed by Msgr. Haggid Sheath of the Byzantium archdiocese in the keynote address, "Through the transfer of ideas, we bring the synthesis of a new truth by which it is our eternal hope to unalterably reshape the planet on which we live to a one more to our liking."
I put the paper down and my thoughts drifted back to 1947. I shook my head. It would be a tough act to follow.
While the 1947 convention laid the foundation for the Simian Redemption Creed drafted in 1948 and presented novel ideas that were adopted in the language of the 1949 International Charter of Primate Freedom of Conscience (also known as the Chimp Choice Charter) and were responsible for the development of anthropologically inclusive nativity displays throughout the western world, it will best be remembered for the presentation of the nature of God as a variable heritage passed on through generations of competing clerical interests. The delegates released a joint statement, indeed, a creed, that stated, in part:
"We believe that,
"When heresy is introduced into deistic doctrinal structure, by necessity, doctrinal failure will result, culling out the weaker concepts while simultaneously retaining the fitter concepts, all of which leads to an improved image of God. It is in fact, ever-changing. This heresy was often the result of copying error during the division of sacred writings during besiegements, crusades, invasions, and inquisitions, but a significant number of heresies were the result of cognitive decay brought on by viral and bacterial plague and medieval herbal intoxication. More often, however, the heresy was introduced into the lexicon by immigrants carrying unfamiliar God-concepts.
"Fitness of a doctrine is demonstrated by its ability to survive these doctrinal onslaughts as well as naturally occurring events such as Tribunals, Mock Trials, Auto de fe, Flailings, Knee Screws, and Slow Public Burnings - helpful mechanisms instigated by the pious that select the doctrine best suited to the religious environment of the time. The emerging doctrine, having survived, is replicated throughout its niche, eventually expanding the document population into new environments, whereupon it encounters and is subjected to a new set of doctrines and naturally occurring forces - be it Flaying, Strappado, The Spanish Boot, Branks, The Heretic's Fork, or The Bilboes - thus repeating the selection process. Ultimately, a new radiant truth is born and we can behold the face of God!
"The lineage of God can be observed in relict God concepts, enabling the theologian to reconstruct the development of the God-face over time. Patterns of God can be arranged into hierarchically nested groups, often correlating with geographic provinces defined by mountain ranges, deserts, oceans, and tribal boundaries, often patrolled by bands of fearsome warriors ready to defend their ancestral lands. Isolation of divine concepts by these natural boundaries, and the reinforcement of this effect by Mystic Nationalism, eventually led to two distinct divergences in the identity of God that resulted in two new species of God. This indisputable truth of a triad of Gods has stood for nearly 1650 years. While originally unified, the distance and time between the God doctrines has become so great that any attempt at hybridization has resulted in inviable beliefs. It is no longer possible to co-mingle the concepts. It is a theological dead end.
"At this time, the correlation of this identity of God with nature is so complete that the present three-part image of God is considered unalterable, unassailable, indelible, a fact, a doctrine of the highest order, the supreme establishment of divine truth, yea, one yet three, unified yet divided, known yet unknown, seen but unidentifiable. No intelligent, rational person would contend with this and should seek immediate penance. Therefore, preservation of the existing three phases of the God-head is vital for the survival of the species.
"Accordingly, we urge all humanity to vigorously and passionately reject all relict and immigrant God concepts to retain the purity of the triad of Gods for all posterity. We must preserve the identity of God for our children. Yes, we must preserve the identity of our children for God. Help the Gods survive! Amen!"
I remember having to recite those words in church for the next six years.
This declaration was released to the media and was relayed around the globe and the impact was immediate. Rallied by the clerics, a great worldwide crusade was launched, hailed as the Thirteenth Crusade, or the Failure to Thrive Crusade. The rallying cry was "Praise the Lords!" The objective was to stamp out all doctrine that might be deleterious to the God-head. It was a smashing success. All aberrant theology was eliminated. Conceptual boundaries were policed, a large wall of documents was constructed that prevented the transfer of ideas, and doctrinal identification was required prior to publication. A concordat with the state was inked. The competition was crushed.
And now I am reading that they want to outdo the 1947 conference with one about a warming planet? How could they? This could not possibly have the same impact. I read on:
The conference in Greece was arranged with the stated intent to exceed the impact of the 1947 conference. This was outlined in the opening remarks, given by The Most Right Reverend Hoeller Spelunk, when he stated, "We are here to change history."
The conference lasted five days. Prominent scholars lectured during the morning and conducted open discussions with delegates during the afternoons. Media sessions were held during the evenings. Lecture topics included "The Myth of Scientific Proof", "The Subjective Relevance of a Burning Sensation", "Heat Accelerates the Cycle of Death and Rebirth", "Cremation and Your Carbon Footprint", "Oil Drilling Leads to Religious Conversion", "Fundraising During Power Outages", and "Sunspots and Your Prayer".
Considerable debate was held over the origins and causes of the increased global temperatures. Various theories were expounded, including the common assault on carbon emissions and other anthropogenic factors. But the audience was brought to silence as the renowned Jesuit, Jose Helios Poinsetta Agrandiza, a visionary theologian acclaimed for his theories on the thermal image of auras, came to the podium and delivered the address, "Realization of Peace through Suppression of Consciousness".
He elaborated: "History is long gone, what remains are stacks of book at libraries around the world, a few moldering statues in European cities, and spools of magnetic tape. So when we look at history, we are really looking at a present reality that may or may not represent that which occurred before, assuming that something has actually occurred before what is occurring now. What can really be learned if it is no longer real and its prior existence is in question?
"We are here and now.
"What we need is now.
"Hence, our objective is to pull the entire human race into the immediate moment and free ourselves of the burden of posturing about this or that which may or may not have occurred in times past and fretting about the future which may or may not occur at all. The only way to accomplish this is to disperse the immediate consciousness in the vacuum of space, dissolving it like a grain of salt in the ocean of being, dispelling immediate concerns, disassembling all conception of past or future, expelling the mind like a rogue, a vagrant indigent, slovenly and boorish, that occupies every spare space, at last, evicting hunger and at once, blurring the vision of the desperate condition at hand, rendering peace. It is for this that we have gathered."
Waving a bottle of wine he shouted, "God burn us if we are not here!" The audience roared.
Wait a second. I paused and thought again about the 1947 conference. I recalled a quote that issued from the highest scientific body within the theological community. It claimed that “the lineages leading to man, chimpanzee and gorilla seem to have diverged from their common ancestor . . . 5 to 7 million years ago. This is a sobering thought. Bravely, we venture into the darkness carrying the torch of faith held high by generations of stooped, howling men that have gone before us.” I remember the photograph accompanying the article. It showed a group of primates in east Asia, huddled before a statue of some war hero in a park. Some covered their ears, others their eyes, others their mouths. The caption read, "Anthropologists and clerics agree: This is a display of primitive worship of one of the God-heads."
And now, this. I read on.
As the choir, singing Nearer My God to Thee, raised their voices to a crescendo, Frelth Gaballic, Doctor of Divinity at Horsemoss University in Antwerp, rose to the podium. His face, garnished with sweat, appeared on the giant video screen behind him. The audience, clearly enjoying the festivities, swaying from side to side, joined their voices with the choir. He raised his hands upward and turned his eyes toward the sky. Tears ran down his face. His bottom lip quivered. Then he opened his mouth. "Forgive me Lord for I have not sinned." The giant video flickered.
The crowd sang louder. Some shouted, "More! We want more!"
Gaballic continued. "From this day forward, do not think anything else. It is irretrievable fact that passes along behind us. There is nothing to see to the front or to the back. Stop looking. Stop asking, Why doth the earth blaze?"
Some in the audience swooned.
"Don't listen to those reports. The reality, my friends, is that Hell is rising from the center of the earth. Yea! Verily! This is not our doing. It is divine wrath rising from below, like lava rising from the ocean floor, soon to engulf us in the Inferno."
More swooning.
"Let go. Let it go, people. Find your peace. Yes! The communion line is now open!"
Immediately, thousands of the faithful broke toward the stage, trampling Professor Gaballic underfoot, and, according to police reports, looting several thousand cases of wine behind the stage before burning the auditorium down. They spilled into the streets. Soon, the rioting spread to other cities, mobs of the faithful storming liquor stores across the world. And across the globe, in dozens of languages, could be heard the rallying cry, "Quell the Hell! Drinks for humanity!"
This could be big.
1 comments:
Great work.
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