Millions Still Report Seeing Illusion of Chicago
- Too Bad to be Not True
By Lech Welpheppian, Special Correspondent
February 4, 2008
New York (AP) - Reports tallied by researchers in Helsinki find that over 3 million people claim to have seen the mythical City of Chicago within the past four years. The claims startled many scientists who had assumed that the legend would expire once the untenability of the phantom city became apparent."This was not the case at all," said lead researcher Thisand Forbuthen. "And quite the opposite was true. Despite the inherent flaws, debilitating inconsistencies, insurmountable irrationality, and galling absurdity, the ghost town appears to be thriving in the minds of many."
The images described a demography that approximated the distribution seen in actual cities in the northeastern United States. "For years we have been hearing the reports. When we finally put the data together, it was really amazing," stated Forbuthen. "The ethnic proportions were what we see in reality. About half were Hispanic, just like Detroit and Milwaukee. The rest divided between black and white. And half claimed to be Republican, half Democrat. Everything is split down the middle. Just like real life. And none of the Republicans admitted to voting for Nixon. It's uncanny."
The visions entertained every aspect of a real city. "But, what thrilled most of us, particularly those of us who were spawned in an urban environment," continued Forbuthen, "is how complex and true-to-life these dreamscapes were. People envisioned traffic jams, sewage treatment ponds, crumbling edifices, pickpockets, disease-carrying pigeons, rusting bridges, jet-engine noise, twelve car pile-ups, children with assault rifles, shanties, ethnic enclaves, cronyism, pit bulls, abandoned factories, skies webbed with jet contrails, smokestacks, marauding bands of truant schoolchildren, convenience store robberies, emphysema wards, jackknifed semis, car trunks stuffed with recreational drugs, babies locked in hot cars, bodies floating in sanitary canals, a dark brown film on every door handle, stone facade, railing, and sidewalk, and - get this - even the odor of burning rubber. All the things you find in a real, thriving, vibrant American city today!"
Forbuthen looked down and shook his head. "Then it took a turn for the absurd. Many reported seeing professional sports teams. One recurrent image was that of a ball team that never won a significant game, yet remained wildly popular. Some hapless, shiftless collection of rag-tag, ne'er-do-wells, with rosy-cheeked rookies, hands full of buttery thumbs, signed for a few precious dimes, and sleepy veterans, disposed of by superior sports franchises like a worn-out pair of sneakers, in the twilight of their careers, exhausted of ability but fully inflated with ego, jostling for the best lockers, most interviews, newest shoes, biggest contract. And multi-tiered management, flush with dollars, lavishing themselves with Lear Jets, condominiums in the Caribbean, concubines, larders full of coca, awards dinners, White House photo-ops, rare-breed dogs, cosmetic surgery, and fresh lobster all the while the stadium remains a relic from a bygone age - rickety, flaking, confined, overgrown, and windswept - and the patrons, marching toward the stadium like indentured labor to the coal mines, swell the stands without any real possibility of seeing a bona fide professional sports team. The cynicism of the owners is unconscionable, assuaging patrons with cheap watered-down beer, an organ grinder, wrinkled circus animals dressed in sports uniforms, game-time tricks, merriment, and amusements, and a loyal army of team-owned journalists at the ready, able to quell any outbreak of reality with baseless optimism, false hope, scapegoating, blackballing, rumormongering, and denial."
Forbuthen looked off into the distance. "And to believe that they are walking the streets, like ordinary people...it's simply unimaginable."
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